Letters to an Unknown

Maybe one day she will read this and know it was for her all along.

A Story of Time, In Time.

It’s always the same “Once Upon a Time” beginning.

The initial hesitation of the heart, an emotional stutter.
Synapses misfiring, your stomach all a flutter.
A passing thought yesterday, five minutes today
to what seems like an eternity until you see them again.

It is what it is.
It cannot be fought.
We are who we are and they will always hold that over you.
You chose to let your mind wander to them.
You chose to let their mind wander in to your heart.
You chose to indulge their smile and laughter.
You chose to cast aside your apprehension.

The fire of pain from their past cannot be tamed, yet you stand with your emotions in your hands, hoping to calm the flames with the only words that your love can muster :

“Allow my hands to be the salve that soothes your skin
when all within you aches to explode in tears at how
unfairly the world has treated you.
Permit me to wear the words that your past has
forced you to scream into your pillow and I shall proudly
stand, emblazoned with your fury upon me,
in front of you to see what your reincarnated past
has brought to you.  Me.

“Allow your past to heal you as it has hurt you.
Allow the words that haunt you, to echo in your future
as a reminder of where you have been.
Allow today to wrap you in its entirety so you never forget
what you are made of.
Love and tears.
Heartache.
Sadness.

“Allow me to love you the way you deserve to be loved.

“Eternally.”

As their fire blazes, in your eyes and in your heart, forget not the chasmic period
since you last saw them.  Forget not the five minutes you last had with them.
Never relegate them to a passing thought, for they are now a part of you

and as your story ends, never forget that “Once Upon a Time” beginning.

 

 

Inferno

They were the most terrifyingly spectacular sight he’d seen.

When she stared, they blazed.
When she laughed, they roared
and bored their way right through him.

Instantly they lit something within.
They would hold him in a trance.
They would hold him and dance
their flame around him, until all
he could see
was her.

All he could smell was burning walls,
once erected all around to protect.
But now he needed the air that fed the flame.
That fed her.  That fanned the blaze
that drove him to the brink.
That led him to want to drink
at the well of her soul.

They were haunting.
They were breathtaking

and every time he gazed at her
he could feel her burn through him

with her fire eyes.

Good morning, Sunshine.

I see that we’ve been handed another day.
Another day for me to love you.
Another day for you to be mine.
Another day for us to enjoy what has been denied to so many.

Every morning I’ve woken up to your warmth
Every morning, you’ve greeting me with kisses so lovely,
my day literally gets brighter with the thought of them.

I’ve almost forgotten what it is like to be with the Darkness.

We sit every day in your embrace,
an embrace so violently unrelenting
that I sometimes miss you,
even though you’re next to me.

I’ve always known that our time together would be
short.
I’ve also known that our time together could never
be represented
in a linear
manner.

But time has never been on our side, has it?

As the time passes, I can feel your embrace slipping.
Your hand only hangs on mine.
Your kisses much cooler.
You’re an arms length away.

It’s starting to get dark.

Dusk.

I can feel your light fading.
Your warmth escaping.

You’re being called away.

The Darkness finds me again as I watch you leave.
“She was always lent to you,” the Darkness whispers.
“You’re forever mine.”

As I watch you fade away, I take my old friends’ hand
and am led down a path I have walked many times.
A path with the Darkness.
A path with no light.

A path without you.

Glances

This is what we have been writing about, isn’t it?
The incredibly continues feeling of light in ones stomach
followed by nausea that can only be explained as “hopeful”.
Where upon first sight, one would not want to see any other.
Either death or blindness would be welcomed, for the last
sight they gazed was pure beauty.

Beauty.  A word seeming so inadequate to compare
something so wonderful.  To dare to undermine
what you have, what you are, could only be comparable to
suicide.

This light that one spends an entire lifetime hoping to gaze upon
was stood in front of me.  A light that danced with an energy
that could have set the room ablaze.  An energy so fluid, any hope
of containing it was lost with her words.  Her magnificent, orchestral
words.

“Nice to meet you.”

The day I decided to die.

November 14, 2012

Everything sort of feels like a dream.  There’s a strange man standing over my bed, asking me all sorts of questions and I’m trying my best to ignore him.  He is, after all, in my bedroom while I’m trying to get some sleep.  I hear some sort of crying in the background.  A baby, I’m not quite sure.  The next thing I know, my bed is moving and it’s freaking me out.  Why the hell am I outside and could someone please shut up that goddamn baby!?  I try to get, to no avail.  What the hell is going on here?  I’m being kidnapped in my dream and I can’t even wake up!  This is by far one of the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had.  I’m sure I’ll wake up soon.

Suddenly it feels like I’m being thrown into the back of a car.  This dream is just getting stranger and stranger.  The weird man that’s been standing over me then asks me a question.  I can’t hear him all that well.  He asks me again.  Again I don’t respond.  He starts shouting, “Viwe!  What did you ingest and how much of it did you take?”  I reply, “Zolpidem. Twenty of them.”

I realise then that this is not a dream.  A feeling of disappointment washes over me.  How on earth did I fail at this?  It was supposed to be easy :Take the pills and never have to feel anything again.  The baby is still crying, but it isn’t a baby.  It’s my mother.  I can hear the tears in her voice.  What have I done to her?  What have I done to my family?  The happiness that was felt around the family for my sister’s birthday yesterday has all been shattered.  How am I going to live with myself?

The sirens off the ambulance start blasting as they frantically try to keep me awake, alive.  Am I sad or happy that I’m still alive?  I can’t tell.  I don’t know.  The only that I do know is that this is going to be the longest ride of my mothers life.

Dear Dream

I call you a dream because that is exactly what you are to me.  A ghost in my sub-conscious that haunts my everyday life.  I look for you daily, but to no avail.  I know you exist, somewhere, but I struggle to find you.  It’s not for a lack of trying, either.  There were many that I thought were you, but I was proved wrong night after night when I’d dream of you instead of them.  So, instead of waiting for you to come me, I’ve decided that I’ll throw myself out at the universe, hoping to land in your thoughts.  This letter is for you.

I must firstly apologize, for in my mind I feel as if I’ve been dishonest with you.  I feel as if I’ve betrayed your trust by looking for you in the eyes and beds of others’.  I’m truly sorry.  I understand now how futile my attempts at finding you were.  You might be asking yourself if I haven’t left a trail of destruction behind me in my attempts at looking for you.  I have.  I’ve left many a broken heart, mine included, in my wake and I fear that the trail might not end here.  Time and effort that has been spent on nurturing those supposed relationships, wasted.  But at the same time, not.  I feel that without those worthless months of my life spent thinking that I’d found you, I won’t be the person that you need when we finally meet.  When we finally kiss.  When I finally know that my next letter will have your name on it.  But no one knows when that will be, so I continue searching, not as intently, but I search none the less.  I can only hope that I don’t have much longer to search for you, but even if I do, I shall continue.  I shan’t give up.  I will find you.

I hope that you are well and are as eager to meet me as I am you.

Yours sincerely

Reality